You know, in a world where it's so easy to keep tabs on everyone with facebook and instagram - sometimes it still feels hard to connect with the people you should really reach out to. Bc after all the time is just ticking, and usually I feel like I have forever. 

 I think sometimes my mouth moves faster than my head does. It's always nice to learn more about myself. Why did I react that way when I thought I would this way. Maybe something means more or less to me than I originally thought. Sometimes my hands write faster than my head does.


 I think the thing about the present is - it really doesn't feel so important to record it because maybe it doesn't feel so important. Maybe it feels mundane. But if I stop for a second. It's literally "hello from my hotel room in Switzerland.' And never in a million years would I think I would be saying that. But in perusing all my old posts, this is the kind of thing I do desperately wished for. And now, now it's so normal. I imagine there's good in acknowledging the blessings because there's usually so much wanting. Five, four, three, back to wanting. But it's also nice having. Feeling like you have. And right now I'm feeling pretty good. 


 It wouldn't be truthful if I said I wasn't disappointed that we didn't get the apartment. I was really looking forward to it. Where the dining table should go... the couches.. the tv. How we would divide the room. Cooking for my trips. Truthfully I can kinda almost feel my mom wishing it would fall through. I know she loves me. But I feel she doesn't love "me".  And so that is my life and I must keep on living. I have great friends, a great partner, wonderful support all around. We can push through this let down. I wanted to be sure to make a gratitude list before heading to bed tonight. I feel I could really use one. I have big dreams you know. Maybe a little smaller than they used to be. But right now, they feel big. But i've got to be humble. I've got to know that I have a lot. 

-Got a beautiful haircut at an awesome barber shop in greenspoint, I was looking for hours for places I could go and I feel like the haircut went above and beyond my expectations.

-I get to work with my friend Andres tomorrow

-I had an amazing V day with Trevor. I got to experience the top of the Empire State building and I must say it was much nicer than I imagined. Glad he feels on top of the world.

-Got a great leg day workout in at PF.

-My room and the apt is pretty clean.

-Im all packed and ready to go for tomorrow

-Pizza for lunch

-I have enough finances to get by for the week

-I'm sleepy and I'm in my bed. x

the first step to getting back to life is washing my face.

soon followed by logging out of instagram.

It's all too much really. Always being on. Always being aware of everyone. Always comparing myself, my life, and the things that I have. It becomes depressing. and really I would love to have less of that. It gets so dark so quickly all ready. Not to mention far from idyllic temperatures. 


Honestly. I'm just tired. Very tired. 

Probably from chasing after life. Probably from having too many good things in my life. Ha honestly I don't know. There's just this stress always following me. Body image, financial turmoil, careers, relationships. 

I suppose life is never easy. never perfect. but really it's just this dot on the timeline. and it'll keep on going with or without me. why can't I just enjoy the spot I have right here. the spot i get to experience.  

 I have a pretty great life actually. So many reasons to be grateful. I am going through the photos on my computer and from work layovers, to hanging out with friends.. I think I got a pretty generous helping of good in my life. And days like this, I will love forever. 


 Tonight is the last night being 29. Really, it's the last night of my twenties all together. And how do I feel. Well I feel like there are so many new challenges on the horizon. Real challenges. Twenty was the year of dreams - going after my dreams. And, I wouldn't change it for the world. It's really paid off. Most of the time I don't publish these kinds of posts any more. But for all times sake, why not. I really just want to provide and support my family to be in a better place, to connect with and be aware of myself to perform better and overall, to be more at peace. These have become my goals. That I can do most things with some ounce of grace going forward. Thank you for the brilliant twenties. I've had so much fun, staying up, making dresses, dancing the night away, and I'm ready to continue doing such things, but a vast array of things I've never thought I would be doing. I think that's the exciting part really, I have no idea what's ahead - who's ahead. Scary! But so exciting. And somewhat... encouraging. Dearest future Michael, you are 30 now. Or was rather :) We are eagerly awaiting the best life we can make. 

People I admire: Brene Brown


Sometimes when I have wealths of good things to say about someone, I kind of freeze up in fear that my words won't do him or her justice. This is the case for Brene Brown, forgive me, here goes. 

Incase you have not watched Brene Brown's Netflix documentary on courage and vulnerability do it now. Next, find your self down a wormhole of her interviews on youtube about Self Love, Empathy, And feeling Worthy. 

At this point in my life I struggle on the regular with feeling enough. Oh, I am not enough to actually be good at that, I don't have enough followers, I don't have enough money, these inner parts of me are not enough, and really the list goes on and on. It's very quiet transactions. But they add up big time. Watching her videos literally puts a pause on my world. Puts the spiral of negative thinking a pause. And gives me a sense of direction regarding how I can think of myself in a positive way, and create a world around me that supports my efforts of a satisfied, fulfilled, emboldened, high value life. I would love for my life to be high value! Gosh, I'm so glad the public doesn't actually read these blogger posts. But yes that's what I would like. To be okay. To lend myself to others. To love myself. What a tall order. But I'm on a quest to get there. 

Dos chicos.


For such a personal platform, I actually talk rather little about my personal life. Maybe it's my desire of somewhat privacy, maybe it's my fair of sharing frivolous or temporal things. But there are people, there are moments in my life that I want to never forget how they made me feel, how they uplifted me, and how they took care of me. 
One night, post Easter Vigil I believe, Danny and I found ourselves in Waverly Diner and we started crying. Because life was good! But we already were crying for the future. And here we are. Stronger, smarter, and more vulnerable than ever. Vulnerable - that's so important. And it's something I struggle with. I have a lot of emotions. Danny really reverenced exercising being vulnerable. And I'm too scared to share the real me. Thank you for challenging me, and for pushing me to shoot higher, not get to comfortable, and feel worthy of good and wonderful things. Congratulations on Columbia! I'm sure we will see each other again in the future. I feel a little bit scared to go at it alone, but I know we both can! May life be good to you friend. May God continue to be good to you. 

Dwell Here

 As usual when I am here, I just feel really reflective tonight. 

Over the past few...months really.. all I've wanted was a place to call my own. A place to call home. To me that's somewhere that recharges the batteries. -Acts as a sanctuary. A place where your heart feels full. And while maybe not just that is in my hands, I am trying to learn to embrace the journey and be grateful for the things I have. Easier said than done! Sometimes I am moping around for days thinking about it. But somehow we are getting through it - and that's not nothing. 


I look way too hard to be validated by others, when all the validation I need should be done by me.

Perfect for right now

It's the end of a trip. I come through the door, turn on the soft yellow kitchen light. The cupboards are dark, sleek, modern. Put down my keys on the granite and walk towards the living room. I can see the flickering lights of the city just across the water. And I feel calm. I think this is important. I feel calm standing there in the room. The roomba whirls across the hard floors. I take off my uniform on the way to the bathroom. The cool light of the mirror takes all the tiredness away. Magnifies my life - and makes the room feel so big. A sanctuary. I love a sanctuary. My little place in the world to restore. It feels so selfish to write that. An apartment filled with all the things I love - all the things that have given me energy and comfort in my adult life. Why do things have that effect on us? And why do we always want more things. But this night I feel content. I feel enough. I feel like I have enough. I feel blessed. Is it wrong to imagine these things. To want things? I'm not especially hungry tonight. But there are some photos. So I take them to the couch, me in that big space. Tuck my feet underneath me view these printed relics one by one and remember. My friends, my acquaintances, they are all a triumph. In a world where we can't really operate alone. They give me life. In this night I think of good things, so many good things. And I feel okay. And I believe that is important.


One fun thing about New York city is that you will never find a library empty. It is always FILLED. Why is it so filled do I wonder? What is everyone studying for, advancing to? Are these college students? I guess it would be good to get out of the confines of a school building. But I absolutely find this so fascinating. A room filled with people STRIVING. For what? A better life? :)

Make Space

A long time ago I remember reading an article, a blog, a note, something like that, about when you are expecting or wanting something, begin to make space for it in your life.
And so step one, may I begin to make space. May I begin to allow it, believe in it.

How to have a Better Conversation

1. Don’t multitask
2. Don’t pontificate: Enter every conversation assuming you have something to learn; everyone you will ever meet will know something you don’t; Everyone is an expert at something
3. Use open ended questions: How was that for you?
4. Go with the flow - thoughts will come, let them go out
5. If you don’t know, say that you don’t know
6. Don’t equate your experience with theirs; all experiences are individual
7. Try not to repeat yourself
8. Stay out of the weeds - people don’t care about the years/names/dates
9. Listen with the intent to understand
10. Be brief and be prepared to be amazed

Go Beyond

Set high standards for yourself
Always look to improve how you are now / what is already set
Go beyond what is expected of you
Model high integrity (High integrity is "beyond" behavior)