Distrito Paparacchi.

Tonight is the last night being 29. Really, it's the last night of my twenties all together. And how do I feel. Well I feel like there are so many new challenges on the horizon. Real challenges. Twenty was the year of dreams - going after my dreams. And, I wouldn't change it for the world. It's really paid off. Most of the time I don't publish these kinds of posts any more. But for all times sake, why not. I really just want to provide and support my family to be in a better place, to connect with and be aware of myself to perform better and overall, to be more at peace. These have become my goals. That I can do most things with some ounce of grace going forward. Thank you for the brilliant twenties. I've had so much fun, staying up, making dresses, dancing the night away, and I'm ready to continue doing such things, but a vast array of things I've never thought I would be doing. I think that's the exciting part really, I have no idea what's ahead - who's ahead. Scary! But so exciting. And somewhat... encouraging. Dearest future Michael, you are 30 now. Or was rather :) We are eagerly awaiting the best life we can make.

Sometimes when I have wealths of good things to say about someone, I kind of freeze up in fear that my words won't do him or her justice. This is the case for Brene Brown, forgive me, here goes.

Incase you have not watched Brene Brown's Netflix documentary on courage and vulnerability do it now. Next, find your self down a wormhole of her interviews on youtube about Self Love, Empathy, And feeling Worthy.

At this point in my life I struggle on the regular with feeling enough. Oh, I am not enough to actually be good at that, I don't have enough followers, I don't have enough money, these inner parts of me are not enough, and really the list goes on and on. It's very quiet transactions. But they add up big time. Watching her videos literally puts a pause on my world. Puts the spiral of negative thinking a pause. And gives me a sense of direction regarding how I can think of myself in a positive way, and create a world around me that supports my efforts of a satisfied, fulfilled, emboldened, high value life. I would love for my life to be high value! Gosh, I'm so glad the public doesn't actually read these blogger posts. But yes that's what I would like. To be okay. To lend myself to others. To love myself. What a tall order. But I'm on a quest to get there.

For such a personal platform, I actually talk rather little about my personal life. Maybe it's my desire of somewhat privacy, maybe it's my fair of sharing frivolous or temporal things. But there are people, there are moments in my life that I want to never forget how they made me feel, how they uplifted me, and how they took care of me.

One night, post Easter Vigil I believe, Danny and I found ourselves in Waverly Diner and we started crying. Because life was good! But we already were crying for the future. And here we are. Stronger, smarter, and more vulnerable than ever. Vulnerable - that's so important. And it's something I struggle with. I have a lot of emotions. Danny really reverenced exercising being vulnerable. And I'm too scared to share the real me. Thank you for challenging me, and for pushing me to shoot higher, not get to comfortable, and feel worthy of good and wonderful things. Congratulations on Columbia! I'm sure we will see each other again in the future. I feel a little bit scared to go at it alone, but I know we both can! May life be good to you friend. May God continue to be good to you.

As usual when I am here, I just feel really reflective tonight.

Over the past few...months really.. all I've wanted was a place to call my own. A place to call home. To me that's somewhere that recharges the batteries. -Acts as a sanctuary. A place where your heart feels full. And while maybe not just that is in my hands, I am trying to learn to embrace the journey and be grateful for the things I have. Easier said than done! Sometimes I am moping around for days thinking about it. But somehow we are getting through it - and that's not nothing.

I look way too hard to be validated by others, when all the validation I need should be done by me.

It's the end of a trip. I come through the door, turn on the soft yellow kitchen light. The cupboards are dark, sleek, modern. Put down my keys on the granite and walk towards the living room. I can see the flickering lights of the city just across the water. And I feel calm. I think this is important. I feel calm standing there in the room. The roomba whirls across the hard floors. I take off my uniform on the way to the bathroom. The cool light of the mirror takes all the tiredness away. Magnifies my life - and makes the room feel so big. A sanctuary. I love a sanctuary. My little place in the world to restore. It feels so selfish to write that. An apartment filled with all the things I love - all the things that have given me energy and comfort in my adult life. Why do things have that effect on us? And why do we always want more things. But this night I feel content. I feel enough. I feel like I have enough. I feel blessed. Is it wrong to imagine these things. To want things? I'm not especially hungry tonight. But there are some photos. So I take them to the couch, me in that big space. Tuck my feet underneath me view these printed relics one by one and remember. My friends, my acquaintances, they are all a triumph. In a world where we can't really operate alone. They give me life. In this night I think of good things, so many good things. And I feel okay. And I believe that is important.

One fun thing about New York city is that you will never find a library empty. It is always FILLED. Why is it so filled do I wonder? What is everyone studying for, advancing to? Are these college students? I guess it would be good to get out of the confines of a school building. But I absolutely find this so fascinating. A room filled with people STRIVING. For what? A better life? :)

A long time ago I remember reading an article, a blog, a note, something like that, about when you are expecting or wanting something, begin to make space for it in your life.
And so step one, may I begin to make space. May I begin to allow it, believe in it.

1. Don’t multitask
2. Don’t pontificate: Enter every conversation assuming you have something to learn; everyone you will ever meet will know something you don’t; Everyone is an expert at something
3. Use open ended questions: How was that for you?
4. Go with the flow - thoughts will come, let them go out
5. If you don’t know, say that you don’t know
6. Don’t equate your experience with theirs; all experiences are individual
7. Try not to repeat yourself
8. Stay out of the weeds - people don’t care about the years/names/dates
9. Listen with the intent to understand
10. Be brief and be prepared to be amazed

Set high standards for yourself
Always look to improve how you are now / what is already set
Go beyond what is expected of you
Model high integrity (High integrity is "beyond" behavior)

STAY CURIOUS, COURAGEOUS, AND DECISIVE

There are chapters in our life. -And with every chapter comes new and unique challenges.

There was trying to break into fashion. Avidly pondering new ways to have an innovative portfolio and resume combo. How to make a website more engaging and for companies to want to know more. Going to events and dressing up with friends. But it was challenging, and sometimes I would get down. Head into New York in the dawn and wait on a park bench until it would get light enough outside that I could head to the interview location.

And there was trying to leave fashion - but really to find a new sense of purpose. To find something that I felt made me feel excited, valued, and in a way important - needed, that may be a better word. Fashion was and is fun. But I ended up sitting on similar park benches as before and just crying, bogged down with stress.

And now while that stress is gone. There are so many new and different stresses. I do believe in a such thing as positive stress. Or stress that motivates, "inspires" you to move, be creative, and solve problems. But it's the stress that is not pretty that's hard to deal with. And as we get older comes more. More responsibility to other people, the government, our creditors. And I feel fake, because alot of the time I don't know what to do. I really wish someone could help me. Maybe you feel like that too sometimes.

How do you balance pride and self-love. I think self-love is the antidote to so many problems, but I think pride, ego is the source of so many. Thinking I deserve the best. But doesn't self love teach you that you do? I don't know, I just need help.

You're all grown up now, Miguel.

Trying to: feed myself good things and good thoughts. By: listening to music, watching awesome youtube videos, working out when I don't feel like it, surrounding myself with wonderful people, worrying less

I am just getting back from one of the most unexpected and beautiful trips of my life. And somehow - right now - i am feeling incredibly emotional. I kind of want to say sad, but not quite with such a bad connotation. perhaps...melancholy. emotional about... my past and my friends and people I know/ used to know. Is that what travel does? A reorganization of our mind? An update? Like everything is still there, but there is a new download of all these new things and sends these shock waves of connections to all of your past life experiences. I don't know. But I think this - writing - is helping. Literally came home and started vegging. Should I do laundry? Oh look the laundromat is closing. should I get groceries? I could swing that to my layover tomorrow. Proceeds to use all the strength in me to hand wash two work shirts to take on a work trip with me. Soak, let it soak, that will make it look better :) I'm happy, but I'm also sad.

This whole trip, I kept mentioning how I am physically trying to process all that I am seeing and all that I am doing. The cenotes - magic. The lagoon - no words. The beaches - never felt so relaxed. I love mexico, really. And it's like this weird feeling that more good things will come. bad things will come too. but good things come! I'm sad right now, I really am. it's the right word. I even just went through some of my treasures in my closet. Read them. Observed the handwriting. and realized that that's all gone. Today is good. I have so many special people in my life. and there's no need to rush, "going forward". Tomorrow is bring and teach us new things. Spank us, spoil us. Level us up. Nevertheless, here i am, wishing for the best.

Really they are all just figments of my imagination. All of them really. I don't know them, I don't own them. Nor should I want to? Are they dreams, or are they more quasi-realities, because they are definitely not realities. Am I in my own way to the real thing. Or is there no real thing. Surely there is. A boy can dream. What am I even saying... All my beautiful dreams, I hope you remain beautiful. And maybe, just maybe, I can wake up to one of you.

Every now and then, you wake up from one of those super restorative naps - where your legs are kinda wet from sweat, your nose is a lot less stuffed, your head is light, cheeks soft and taught, and your feeling: okay. Not rushed, not "looking forward to the future". But okay-in-this-moment. Restorative I tell you. Kinda like I was trudging through and didn't even know it.
A warm - scratch that - hot bath, with green tea, and pink salt is on the agenda. Again, restorative. *sips on seltzer*
*thinks about a manuka honey mask*
*slips into blogspot solace*
How are you Michael? I am okay! Sure in this moment I am okay. But, truly I am all around okay. Sure there's lots of times where I think I could be better, if I had this, this, and this. But you're okay without those things too. You're enough just the way your are sweetheart.
xo Little old me.