Confession of a Soul Searcher

12:28 AM Michael 0 Comments

Sometimes I believe it's best to come clean and admit to yourself how your really feel. Although these feelings are inside of you and you're some degree aware of it, really being true and honest with your self and saying "this is how I am feeling" really give a moment of insight and an opportunity to move forward. I am not doing very well in psychology. In the morning I am going to email my professor in the morning. This isn't like "omgosh I got an 89 on the last exam I am failing my Asian parents are going to call me dishonorable". This is like an actual get an email from your career advisor worried about you haha. I think I've reached this unusual part of my life where I am more obviously relating "what is important" because with growing up comes much more responsibility and work to do you feel like your are going to explode, so naturally I tend to do jobs that I find pleasure and satisfaction in and shy away from things I find as tedious and unrewarding. Like school. For the first time in my life I find school more of a pain than something that I want to do well in and will do well in. I'm more aware of the fact I'm paying a lot of money to be in a course I have no desire to be enrolled in. Seriously, HOW MANY TIMES are we going to talk about Skinner's box? HOW MANY TIMES. Luckily there are only 2 more years and then no more homework forever!! Unfortunately, with that come the loan letters and big adult responsibilities. Where is the satisfaction Buddah? Life is suffering.
So Michael, this is the part of my life where I confess in utter regret, that I do not enjoy living right now. It sounds so sad to write it "out loud". But right now I do believe I don't like being awake. I think that's why I sleep so much when I have an assignment to do.. the reason why I didn't turn in my psychology project, a big fat chunk of my grade of few hours ago. And the worst, worst, worst, worst part is...I almost don't care. How disrespectful is that. It's really true I feel like. ..I almost fully don't care if I don't succeed in the class. I mean what comes if it? Do I get a better life, do I truly become a better person, will getting a better grade get whoever I want to like me to like me? Maybe not. Somewhere, some how I have to pick myself up again and want to succeed and do well because it makes me a better me. Maybe I believe, no in fact I do believe, that I'm not that great of a person right now. I realize I don't have the greatest sense of self and worth all those things I hope to grant others. I myself lack. How am I ever going to wake up? How am I ever going to stop sleeping? I don't want to disappear. The self I once new and felt like I was is leaving me. -And I have to trap the rest of me right here and go on a journey for the other parts. I'm going to be in school for a little while longer and have to make the best and the most of it. Things aren't always going to go my way but I have to make the most of it. Golly, is this ever turning into a Shakespearean sonnet. Don't they go like "life is this way, woah is me, woah is me, but hey here is a resolution for the last two lines"? haha. Anyway flowers and Michael, there's a lot of things I want to do in this life time. And still a lot of things I want to do well. Like the collection. It's getting a little crazy with the number of patterns now, but I've been learning so much deciding to "work for myself" for a little while. I really do enjoy being a designer and nothing, nothing, nothing else makes me happier and honored right now. Unfortunately these goals and dreams don't always fall in line with school. I cannot believe the amount of projects and competitions going on. It makes me so overwhelmed. I don't yet know how to properly grasp contests and school at the same time. I have a very, very, very, very, very daunting quarter ahead. And all I can really do is pray, and hope that all the parts that have left me, remolecularize and form the day dreamer that once was.